What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 06:22
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
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It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
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She was in good health!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She loved him until the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why should you never do drugs? Will this story absolutely shock you?
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I was scared of men, in general
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
How do you deal with a neighbor stealing?
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
My life is so biszare .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Why do I sweat between my legs all the time, top off my legs, all way down?
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We all went to grammer schools
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were not on the streets..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im still living with it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
One cannot live in the past .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
And i lived it daily.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But it wasn’t much.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I was seconnd youngest,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
So whats the point in blame.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Who then, do I blame.?
It was going to be , some day.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I write beautiful poetry .
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Comes on , in middle age.
I think the readers, may guess!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ive learnt so much.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I was 9 years of age.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
She wouldn,t have been !
I don,t even have a pension.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
(And it was in our own minds.)
I couldn’t, believe it.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But ive been too sick for many years..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
She married twice! .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
All the time i was locked up.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
When she asked me how she looked .
But, we were locked up after school.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My family never makes their pension either.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Would this be the day?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I was very sick at this time too.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
I have no regrets .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
As i do to all so called friends.?
This is soul school!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He knew the spot.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I said to her
On the 31st of Jan this month .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She found it foreign!.
I will be 64.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I waited trembling.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.